The following post is incredibly vulnerable, and I don’t write it for your sympathy, but from a place of desperation and panic. In fact, I might completely regret writing this and delete it, but I figured I’d just let the words flow, press send and then log off so I don’t change my mind. I know I’ll be met with support, because the Substack community has that by the shed load. Thank you for reading this post, and thank you for being part of this community and supporting me, my writing, and my dream. I can’t tell you enough how much that means to me.
Before I went on maternity leave in February 2023, I was self employed and worked solely as a virtual assistant and supportive business coach for one company, a job I’d done full time for around 18 months.
Since then, I’ve spent every moment caring for and nurturing my newborn, and I am really good at it. I’m not the worlds best mum, I’m not even a perfect mum, but I’m a good mum, and that’s all my children need.
I love being a mum, but it’s something I fought for a very a long time because I was so driven by my career.
During my three years at university, I had my older two children. I took 6 weeks off (not really as I was still writing assignments and sitting online exams) for my both of my maternity leaves, and I was straight back to work. I was training to be a nurse so it was straight back out onto placement, where I’d work 13.5 hour shifts at the hospital, all while trying to pump my breastmilk. Breastfeeding got in the way of the job, so I quickly stopped that.
When I discovered simple living and I left my nursing career in 2019, I realised just how much I’d given to that job. I’d missed all of my children’s baby stage, toddler stage and the beginning of their childhood. I vowed that if I were ever to have any more children, I wouldn’t make the same sacrifices.
Fast forward three years, and I finally have a new baby again. I love this baby stage we’re in at the moment. I missed out on this with my older two, so this is all completely new to me, and I’m thriving!
Now, just 4 months after he was born, I was asked to come back to work (my VA and coaching job). They need me, and I don’t know how I feel about it. I have 4 months left of my maternity leave, and I don’t want it to end just yet. I don’t want it to end at all.
I’ve finally found what being a mum is all about. I don’t remember any of this with my older two, but I could tell you stories of what happened during my shift on the wards at that time. I want to stay in this baby bubble for as long as I possibly can. I want my full 8 months maternity leave, and I don’t want to make the same mistakes again.
But, I feel guilty. You know I’m not shy when talking about my debt, and so it makes sense that I return to this job to pay off the credit card, the car, and to build my savings.
The thing is, I don’t want to. I don’t want to swap my baby for money, because that’s how it feels. I feel like I’m going to trade his babyhood to earn some money. What’s the price of your baby’s first months? Is there a price?
I don’t want to return to that life. I don’t want to chain myself to a desk 6 hours a day and more on a night, especially with my newborn watching. I don’t want to ignore his needs because I’m answering emails, or in the middle of a meeting. It was easier before he was born, because the older two children didn’t see that side of me. They didn’t see me sat at my desk all day without taking a break. They didn’t see me eating at my desk, because I didn’t have time to take an actual break away, just in case I missed something.
You see, that way of life doesn’t align with my values. I want to live a simple and calm life. I want to pick my own hours, and take days off when I choose. I want to spend my days soaking up as much as my newborn as I possibly can. I want to meander around the park with him in his pushchair. I want to sing songs to him, hear him laugh and get lost for a moment sniffing his hair for that addictive baby smell.
But, I feel guilty because A) how dare I turn down money when I have debt to repay, and B) I don’t want to let the company down. Now the same is happening again, I’m being called back to work, and I’m torn and I’m scared.
What do I want to do?
What I want to do is to spend as much time as possible with my baby, and my older children, while they’re still children. I want to spend my days breastfeeding my baby, and listening to his coos. I want to read books with my eldest, and play football with my middle. I want to spend time with my husband on an evening, and I want our weekends to be spent soaking each other up, in various nature settings.
And I want to write. I want to teach, and I want to spend my days doing what I’m passionate about. I’m passionate about simple and calm living. I want to talk about it all day every day to anyone who’ll listen. THIS is what sets my soul on fire. THIS is what I’m MEANT to do. THIS aligns with my values. THIS brings me happiness and contentment, and THIS feels right!
Writing keeps me with my baby. It keeps my creative juices flowing. It connects me to people like you, and reading your work, or simply chatting to you in the comments brings me SO much joy. Writing makes me a better person. A better mum, and certainly a better wife. I’m happy when I’m writing, and that happiness ripples out around me like a stone dropped in a lake. That happiness radiates from me into everything I touch and love.
If I go back to the old job, I’ll not only have to stop my maternity leave with my baby, but I’ll have to stop writing. Writing that sentence makes my heart sink and my eyes fill up. Today I’ve felt so much anxiety. The most anxiety I’ve felt in a long time, certainly much, much more than I’ve felt in the last 4 months. I don’t want this journey to stop. I don’t want to stop writing and I don’t want my maternity leave to end so soon.
But, I have bills to pay, so am I being ridiculous?
My maternity leave doesn’t officially finish until October 27th. I still have another 4 months of enjoying my baby yet. I still have 4 months of seeing him grow and teaching him many of his firsts. I’m not ready to give this up yet.
I’m also not ready to stop writing. I’m just not. How can I give something up that I’m MEANT to do? I can’t do it. But, I need to. I have bills to pay.
I’m stuck, and I don’t know what to do.
In a perfect world, I’d keep on writing and teaching my Simple & Calm course. In an ideal world, I’d have enough income from paid subscribers to keep me writing, and to keep me with my baby. Could this actually happen? Could I make this a reality? I think I could. With your help.
I have a little fire in my heart that is telling me what I should do. I should keep writing, and I should stay on my maternity leave to enjoy what I missed out on before. I’m no longer driven by my career, I’m driven by my values and the love I have for my family, and I need to remain true to both of them.
So, this morning I plucked up the courage and I told the company that I wouldn’t be returning to work until I’ve had my full 8 months of maternity leave. I chose my baby! I put him first. I’m going to enjoy him and soak him up, at least for the next 4 months. The tears began rolling down my cheeks as I looked at my baby, smiling back at me, and said “I CHOOSE YOU!”.
But, the company need help right now, and so my job is being advertised for someone else to take over. This is just one of the perks of being self employed.
Now I don’t have a job to go back to after my maternity leave ends, and I’m terrified. Have I made the wrong decision? How will we cope financially? I should have made the trade and gone back to work. No! I’m entitled to my maternity leave. It’s my own fault for being self employed, this wouldn’t have happened if I was employed.
I need your help now more than ever. But is this rude of me to ask? Or is it brave and honest? I don’t really know how I feel anymore, it’s all morphed into one big blur. I’ve experienced every emotion these last few days, and what I feel the most right now is exhausted, but mostly scared.
You see, I don’t need to make thousands of pounds a month to survive. A few hundred would be enough. I don’t want to buy a fancy new car, or jet off to the Maldives. I don’t want to splurge on the latest iPhone, or spend all of my money on a new wardrobe. After all, I’m a minimalist and far, far from materialistic.
No, I just simply want to write, and spend time with my baby and my family. I just want to teach and be a happy person. The money would support me enough to keep doing that, all while being able to provide for my family.
Can you help me? Would you help me? Please? It’s a lot to ask, I know I’m not asking light of you. But if I could get more paid subscribers, I could reach that dream! THIS could be my job. I could become a full time writer. I could be fine. It could all work out. Is it selfish of me to ask you? Or is it wrong of me to lie and hide the truth?
One hundred and thirty eight. 138. That’s the number of monthly subscribers I’d need before October to keep going. 138 paid subscribers at £5 per month would equal £690. That’s the same as my maternity allowance that I’m currently getting. It’s also slightly less than what I’d earn from going back to my old job.
That’s £8280 a year. It’s not a lot, but it’s more than enough for me. That would allow me to provide for my family, and pay off my debt. £8280 would keep me writing, and keep me with my baby, and my family. You see, I don’t want to live a lavish lifestyle. I just want to stay simple, and small and humble.
Could you help? Will you help? I feel nauseas asking, but I’m desperate, and I don’t have a job to go back to. I’m desperate to keep doing what I’m doing. What I LOVE doing. Can you help?
If you’ve enjoyed my writing here on Substack over the last 8 months, and you can afford to, please could you consider becoming a paid subscriber and support me?
A paid subscription is £5 a month, or £50 a year (that works out at 96p a week if you take the annual payment). If you were able to become a paid subscriber, you’d help me teach more people, continue my writing, and support more lost souls who NEED a simple life. You’d be supporting me financially, and you’d be giving me the best gift of all - a full maternity leave.
For 96p a week you’d get access to my entire archive of lessons, right from the beginning. You’d also get access to every single post I ever write. My posts include workbooks, freebies, digital downloads and resources to help you live a simple and calm life. You’ll also get full support from me via my private chat group, should you ever need any encouragement, reassurance, or advice. You’ll also get all of my free posts, which are often my best work, and include my musings on simple living, plus my new interview series from the wider simple and slow living community coming in July. I also have big plans for the future of this Substack, and I can only bring those plans to fruition with your help. Your paid help. Your paid subscription. I’m talking about group meetings via Zoom, calming playlists, and more courses and teaching.
Can you help? Your help means that I can afford to help others in the future too. I want to help as many people as possible through my writing and my course, but I’d also love to eventually help more people by subscribing to and paying them for their work too. If you can afford to help me, you can upgrade your subscription by clicking the button below. Thank you so much!
I appreciate that times are hard right now for most of us. I know what I’m asking of you, and I understand that not all of you can help financially. I completely understand. Could you please help me in other ways instead? Could you please help by sharing this incredibly vulnerable post? Could you like, comment and ‘restack’ this post so I can reach more people, and potentially more subscribers?
Thank you for reading this far. If you can help, in what ever way you can, I’d be eternally grateful and forever in your debt. I hope this post is met with love and compassion, and I know it’ll be met with support because this Substack community that I’ve grown is simply wonderful and incredibly kind.
Thanks again, with love and hope,
Sophie x
This was a brave and honest post to share and I commend you for doing so!
I hope you reach your goal of 138 by October. Good luck.
Rooting for you!! And sending you much love 💛💛